I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
