Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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