dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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