Where did you get a picture of my penis
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
