I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
