Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
