I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
