I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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