I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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