Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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