How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
