Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"