You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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The feeling are messing with the penis
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?