Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.