it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.