the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
