I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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