My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
