I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize