you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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