its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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