I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
