sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
