i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
