she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
