i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
