You're my little dorito
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
