Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
