It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want nice things and good sex
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
