So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
