if you like me you must not know who I am
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
