Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just pee around me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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