If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
