I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
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If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize