do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
