tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
