I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
