We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
jump out the window naked night went bad
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