my phone needs a breathalizer
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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