I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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