I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
