I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just high enough for therapy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
