I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
