So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
