Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
