Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
God, I missed his penis.
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