He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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