I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
