The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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