Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
