Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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