Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
