I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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