Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
