I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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