i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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