Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
